he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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