I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The air was thick with penises
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
