The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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