i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
