It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize