Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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