fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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