Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
