I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
