I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
