In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
