When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
