don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
