He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
