Ambien. No doubt about it.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
