It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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