here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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