I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize