got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So squirting runs in the family.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
