I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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