I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
