Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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