you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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