I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
