Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize