Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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