I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
