And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
