You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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