did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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