Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Help. Why am I so naked?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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