some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
