Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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