Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
