Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
