Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
