I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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