i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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