I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
