I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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