I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
