You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
