Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
