What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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