Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
