I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
