I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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