You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
and she was petting her beer can
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
