Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
