We're facebook friends in real life
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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