Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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