Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
