i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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