i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Houston, we have a blender
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
A+ Viking dick
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize