So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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