Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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