is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
