I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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