I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
