this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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