I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
