I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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